dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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