just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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