My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize