I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
