Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
