Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
