It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
