I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
