You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
