Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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