Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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