Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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