you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
