Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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