either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
