You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
