I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
