...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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