It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
