Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
