The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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