I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
