His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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