I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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