Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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