also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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