and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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