I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Come see our sink grown plant.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize