she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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