I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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