It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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