i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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