I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
