She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Who died my cat blue again?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
PANTIES FOUND
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