Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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