His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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