Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
