ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
