Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
