You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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