all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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