you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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