I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
