So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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