your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
