you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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