I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize