can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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