remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
