DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
