I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
