I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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