Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
