Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
