is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
