i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
And then he peed in my hair
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