This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
