I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
