I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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