omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
