An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
