i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
