I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
