A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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